So

I only know of one person who ever didn't like me and (reluctantly) showed it (doubtless a handful of others didn't like me and were cowards). At times of boredom or sheer spiritual stupidity, I find myself returning to this person. I wonder how this person ever got around to it. And before I know it my happiness has been sacrificed to an absurdity. An absurdity -- to think that others, even your closest friends, even your spouse, even your mother, could know as much as one-tenth of who you really are. Jesus was murdered, yes. Well, then, that solves that.

I mean, we can ascertain a person -- based on spiritual temperature, not personality. Either warmth or coldness, and most are dead, therefore they're cold. Far from the freezing range the evil and the assholes (miniature evil-holders) force upon us, but at least these shake us awake; the cold are pedestrian, and all we want with them is the warmth of change.

Is it possible to have one's spiritual state completely missed? Absolutely. How? Through interpreting the person according to criteria. You're good if you fit my preference, not because you emanate warmth (that is, not because you love, not because you are love). The hidden fear that a person really is warm and the snippets of undeniable empirical verification are enough to frazzle to complete irritation the person who judges based on criteria -- and so the warm person is granted a little more unjust fire.

Why would it ever become good to evaluate others -- to judge them based on criteria -- rather than experience them, that is, interpret them spiritually? Answer: there is something to be gained through evaluation. If a person fits the criteria, she is granted the honor of group membership. But why the inclination for group membership in the first place? Because the world started it first, before the human being with this inclination was thrown into the world. Do unto others as has been done unto you. A form of revenge.

Why does this person -- that is, this not-person, this frozen abstraction from two years previous -- still cling to my mind? Why should I even care? She isn't the same person. It's me interpreting me. Why would I want relational perfection, seeing how I'm frustrated over a single occurance of misunderstanding based on willful hatred, and seeing how interpreting the internal through the external is arrantly absurd?

Because I want the security of others; I want to master the machinery of interpersonal relationships, so I can secure myself against potential warps in the future. And this is madness, nothing less. Pure madness.

We should be able to live to the point of not giving a single damn about others' conclusions about us. But we need the feeling of acceptance, of being loved. Seeking security from others is natural; and if this is thrown out, what is left? That God fellow comes back to mind.