?

Is there anyone? Every person who misunderstands me -- everyone, except one -- traverses the circumference of my personality, or in a complete miss condescends, dismisses, and that's that.

I want to be appreciated. I feel I have the trail to a deep secret of the universe. It's not pride; pride wants to be seen for its own sake. I want to be seen for the sake of seeing those who see me. I want to teach.

Why do I want to teach? Tell me that.

Perception of something of quality always necessarily needs a fragment of quality in the one perceiving. What then of the profound, the beautiful, the profoundly beautiful, the beautifully profound? A correlative need: keener eyes, sharper minds, more sensitive souls. The great artists, not the merely good ones, kill themselves. The slit through which the world sees them is too small; at times perceived as nothing at all. If you are not praised it is either because you deserve no praise or because you have climbed past praise. Looking down the precipice of the universe, you see the world flagging to catch up with you.

Greatness of production needs greatness of perception. Or else the work itself is useless. He who creates knows not the value of what he creates, just as a mother is blind with love for her child, blemished or blazing gold.

Thoughts in a Coffee Shop

I don’t want to be these selves around me
I don’t want to annoy the quiet with words
With talk of economics and gas prices
Bad weather and my things, your things
And inaudible pleas for sanity
I’d rather take the quantum credibility
Of a few anonymous, rejected souls
Rejected, but not by God
Perhaps by time
But time dies too

Intuition and Faith

Intuition is the basis of reasoning; it allows us to grasp whatever conclusions we have from premises or safe generalizations from particular occurrences.

Faith is realized through intuition; faith based on (sufficient) reasons isn't faith. Because faith is based intuitively, it allows the "leap" that constitutes it to be possible: we "leap" over rational gaps, and this act of leaping is (at least essentially) what faith is. In the act of faith we trust intuition -- even in the face of madness -- over our demand for evidence, and in some cases over our reasoning over certain snippets of evidence.

If faith is based intuitively, and reason is based intuitively, how does a lack of the latter make the former absurd? If one "feels" that God (or a "something" pragmatically labeled as God) exists, in a sense purely before religious concepts, what is to say that this feeling isn't enough? This feeling, this intuitive "click", if thrown out in a particular instance, is thrown out momentarily as a rule; and if one is consistent, this would mean to throw out reason as well, and so the argument against intuition falls apart.

So

I only know of one person who ever didn't like me and (reluctantly) showed it (doubtless a handful of others didn't like me and were cowards). At times of boredom or sheer spiritual stupidity, I find myself returning to this person. I wonder how this person ever got around to it. And before I know it my happiness has been sacrificed to an absurdity. An absurdity -- to think that others, even your closest friends, even your spouse, even your mother, could know as much as one-tenth of who you really are. Jesus was murdered, yes. Well, then, that solves that.

I mean, we can ascertain a person -- based on spiritual temperature, not personality. Either warmth or coldness, and most are dead, therefore they're cold. Far from the freezing range the evil and the assholes (miniature evil-holders) force upon us, but at least these shake us awake; the cold are pedestrian, and all we want with them is the warmth of change.

Is it possible to have one's spiritual state completely missed? Absolutely. How? Through interpreting the person according to criteria. You're good if you fit my preference, not because you emanate warmth (that is, not because you love, not because you are love). The hidden fear that a person really is warm and the snippets of undeniable empirical verification are enough to frazzle to complete irritation the person who judges based on criteria -- and so the warm person is granted a little more unjust fire.

Why would it ever become good to evaluate others -- to judge them based on criteria -- rather than experience them, that is, interpret them spiritually? Answer: there is something to be gained through evaluation. If a person fits the criteria, she is granted the honor of group membership. But why the inclination for group membership in the first place? Because the world started it first, before the human being with this inclination was thrown into the world. Do unto others as has been done unto you. A form of revenge.

Why does this person -- that is, this not-person, this frozen abstraction from two years previous -- still cling to my mind? Why should I even care? She isn't the same person. It's me interpreting me. Why would I want relational perfection, seeing how I'm frustrated over a single occurance of misunderstanding based on willful hatred, and seeing how interpreting the internal through the external is arrantly absurd?

Because I want the security of others; I want to master the machinery of interpersonal relationships, so I can secure myself against potential warps in the future. And this is madness, nothing less. Pure madness.

We should be able to live to the point of not giving a single damn about others' conclusions about us. But we need the feeling of acceptance, of being loved. Seeking security from others is natural; and if this is thrown out, what is left? That God fellow comes back to mind.